March is Surrogacy Awareness Month, and with that in mind, we at The Baby Cubby want to further our goal of helping parents feel seen and supported by talking more about different parenting journeys--including surrogacy. We know the journey to becoming a parent can look different for everyone, and each journey deserves to be appreciated and understood, so today we are sharing Sarah's story with surrogacy.
Sarah and her husband, Mike, had two daughters via surrogacy. We wanted to know more about her experience and to better understand the process of using a surrogate mother.
Why did you choose to use a surrogate and what kind of surrogacy was it?
We decided to do surrogacy due to health reasons for me and we did gestational surrogacy with both of our daughters. Gestational surrogacy is different from traditional surrogacy because the child is 100% biologically ours and the surrogate is just the gestational carrier. In traditional surrogacy, the egg of the carrier is used although nowadays I think it's far more common to do gestational surrogacy unless it's for a same sex couple.
Can you describe the process of finding a surrogate and arranging everything?
We worked with the Utah Center for Reproductive Medicine up at the University of Utah, which directed us to the lawyer we used, Damian Davenport. His expertise is in reproductive law, and by the time we were looking into surrogacy for our second daughter, he had opened a surrogacy agency called Delivering Dreams--we used him for both of our surrogacies.
Every state has different laws about surrogacy and it is still illegal in some states. Utah has its own specific laws about surrogacy, so we had to make sure we met the certain criteria in order to proceed, and having a lawyer was helpful with that. He also had a database of women that were wanting to be surrogates and we were able to look at their profiles and choose someone we thought would be a good fit.
We met with both our surrogates and their husbands prior to starting anything and then decided to go forward with them, which meant having a contract drawn up by our lawyer that both parties agreed on. The process is extensive, and Utah basically does the same checkpoints with surrogacy that they do with adoption: psych evaluations, home studies, etc., and both parties have their own checklists.
Then we started IVF to retrieve eggs and create embryos, which were genetically tested (which we chose to do) and frozen. Then we did a transfer to our surrogate, who had been preparing her body for the transfer with shots, etc. The whole process for us, from our first meeting with our lawyer to having a baby in our arms, took just over a year. We also knew nothing going into it and didn't know anyone else who had used surrogacy so we learned a lot from our first time.
What were the difficult parts of using a surrogate?
Using a surrogate definitely complicates the process of having kids. Our first surrogate lived 4 hours away, so we relied on her for updates because we weren't able to go to all the doctor's appointments, which was hard. We were able to go to the viability ultrasound (at 5 or 6 weeks after the embryo transfer) and to the 20 week ultrasound. We also were able to go on a hospital tour and meet with people at the hospital, so we felt comfortable that they knew this was a surrogacy delivery ahead of time.
Our surrogate's water broke just before midnight and we were getting ready for bed when we heard from her. We drove 4 hours through the night to get to the hospital in time, which we did! So, the distance was hard.
It's also hard just giving away a lot of control--you can't control everything your surrogate does, so you have to really trust that this person is doing what's best for your baby. And the whole process takes a lot of time and lots of boxes to check, which we did twice.
Another hard part was that we started with 6 viable embryos and hoped for twins initially, only to find out at the first ultrasound that only one of the embryos took. Of course, we were thrilled that one worked, and we now have a beautiful, thriving daughter to show for it! But it was still so sad to lose one.
For our second daughter with our second surrogate, we did one embryo at a time, and the first transfer ended in a miscarriage. Miscarriages are very hard, and with surrogacy, both my husband and I were dealing with it, and our surrogate was very much dealing with it, all in very different ways. We waited a bit and did another transfer, but by the viability ultrasound there was nothing, so not quite a miscarriage, it just didn't take (like our very first transfer). Lots of emotions going through all this. We waited again, and luckily our third try worked and we got our beautiful second daughter.
What misconceptions do you think people have about surrogacy?
When doing surrogacy, at least one person said (either to us or the surrogate), "What if she wants to keep the baby?" and in my experience, the surrogate very much has it in her own head that this isn't her baby, because it isn't her baby! I think because it's 100% biologically someone else's baby, the thought of keeping this baby doesn't even cross their mind. And I think that can be hard to explain to someone. I think it's also hard for people to understand, sometimes, that the baby is not our surrogate's. We did IVF. The baby was genetically ours, not hers.
What advice would you give to someone who is using a surrogate?
Before doing surrogacy, definitely research it--we talked to doctors and a lawyer before committing to it. There is a lot you need to do beforehand so get all the information you need. Surrogacy also can cost a lot of money, at least it was for us the way that we did it. Definitely find out potential costs ahead of time. Having a friend or family member as your surrogate can definitely lower costs, but those are things that can be discussed with an agency or lawyer. Having a lawyer and a contract definitely gave us peace of mind that we were following state laws and that all our bases were covered. Surrogacy is definitely not for everyone, but can also be a great solution when wanting a biological child.
What were some of the joys you experienced during this journey with surrogacy?
The best part of surrogacy is getting a healthy baby! I wouldn't have my two daughters if it weren't for two incredibly kind and giving women who were willing to do this. They are the reason our children are with us! And I am beyond grateful for their willingness to help our family grow. And luckily for us, our second surrogate was closer geographically than our first and we were able to get to know her more and go to all the doctors appointments. She's also a photographer and takes our family photos every year which we love because she gets to see our daughter grow which is special since she's the one that brought her to us.
I also think it has given us greater appreciation for the extent people will go to have children whether it's surrogacy, adoption, IVF, or whatever. A lot of effort is made by a lot of people to help people have a child of their own and we're grateful for that.
It's pretty incredible that these days there are so many options if you want to start a family, and we are grateful surrogacy was an option for us. It was not the easiest process, but it is definitely one we are glad we chose. The fact that there are women out there who are willing to be gestational surrogates is mind-blowing to think about, and because of that, we now have two healthy, happy daughters. Our gratitude is endless.
- Sarah
