Childhood is full of fears. As parents, it is our job to help our kids learn to face and eventually overcome these fears. When my daughter was 3, she went through a phase where she was terrified of the dark. One morning, she came to us and mentioned that she didn’t want her baby doll stroller in her room anymore. When I inquired as to why, she replied, “Because my stroller rolls towards me at night.” Creepy, right? This fear of the dark is one of the most common childhood fears. To some this may be irrational, but it’s actually a biological advantage to fear the dark and what's lurking in it. Although in our day and age we probably don’t need to fear being consumed by lions and tigers and bears in the night, it’s still a fear that many children (and even adults) will face. So how can we help our kids learn how to cope?
Acknowledge Their Fear
When you first recognize that your child is scared of the dark, the first thing you should do is acknowledge them. Instead of telling them they have nothing to be afraid of, reassure them that you hear and understand. For example, “I know just how it feels to be afraid! It can be scary when you can’t see things around you.” Acknowledging their feelings teaches kids that you are there to listen and that their emotions are valid. Whether it’s fear of the dark or some other emotion, giving their feelings a name and connecting it to the experience allows kids to gain greater self awareness, which will allow them to build emotional resilience. (Visit childandadolescent.org for more tips on coping with all kinds of fears.)
Use Books
Books are often the best way to help kids understand that they are not alone while also teaching them the skills they need to face their fear. Stories also offer unique and interesting ideas on how to navigate a particular fear your child may be facing. In one of my favorite books, a little boy is terrified to go to bed because he assumes there are monsters lurking when he turns out the lights. The parents give him a book full of ideas to scare off monsters, like sharing goodnight hugs and kisses. This helps the boy feel confident and his fear diminishes. Reading stories together, such as this one, can give kids and parents ideas on how they can conquer the fear together.
Try a Nightlight
Adding just a touch of light can give children a boost of courage when it's dark. I am a huge fan of LumiPets® because they are silicone, making them nearly indestructible, while also being portable. This is great for night time trips to the bathroom. The light can also help them see that there really isn't anything scary in their room that they should be afraid of.
Tidy up Before Bedtime
I’ve noticed that when things are put away in the closet where they go, my kids can sleep more soundly and my daughter seems to get less scared. Referring back to when she was 3, we found that when we’d put her toy stroller away in the closet, she was less afraid of the dark. Kids often see items around them, and their imagination runs wild with it, turning simple items into scary monsters. Putting things away can help prevent this from happening.
Make Sure Your Child Feels Comfortable in Their Room
Offer a favorite blanket or stuffed animal for them to sleep with. If your child is just now moving to a new room that makes them nervous, let them pick out their own bedding and decorate it how they like. If your child feels comfortable in their space, it helps them feel safe and secure, keeping their dreaded fear at bay when the lights go out.
Play Soothing Music
Playing music can be extremely beneficial for little ones who are feeling tense and anxious at bedtime. Singing to your children is a great way to strengthen your bond while also helping them relax. Even if you don’t think you have a great singing voice, your kids will know that you care and love them. Another option is to set up a CD player, digital playlist, or a Toniebox that can play music for your child. I love the Toniebox specifically for the designated lullaby Tonie. The lullaby Tonie plays gorgeous, soothing music, making it the ideal choice for helping kids sleep at night. They even offer creative Tonies that allow you to add your own music. This is incredibly special, as you can record yourself or your family members singing or reading stories for your children.
Scaffold a Plan to Encourage Independence
Once you’ve given your child aids that will help them cope, it’s time to help them learn to face their fear on their own. This should be a gradual process, because we always want to reinforce that we are there to offer love and support. Rachel Busman, a clinical psychologist of the Child Mind Institute, states: “We’re not talking about suddenly putting your kid in his dark bedroom and saying ‘Bye! Be brave! See you in the morning. The goal is to gently guide kids along until they’re ready to take the reins themselves. We want to provide the scaffolding they need to stand on their own.” Rae Jacobson of the Child Mind Institute suggests making a plan with your child. Their involvement will make them more likely to follow through. An example of this scaffolded approach would be starting out the week laying next to them while they fall asleep, then sitting in a nearby chair the next night, and ending the week with a simple hug and kiss goodnight before leaving the room. That way the child has the opportunity to deal with their fear a little bit more each day and ensuring they don't feel abandoned or unloved.
Praise Their Bravery
Whenever your child shows bravery, encourage them. For example, “Wow! It was so brave of you to go put your toys away in the basement by yourself!” This positive affirmation allows them to recognize their own actions and realize, “Hmm. I guess I was brave! And it really wasn’t that scary after all!”
Fear can be absolutely debilitating. But it doesn’t have to be. We can guide our children to understand their feelings, provide tools that will help them cope, and eventually, encourage independence that will lead to the emotional resilience they need in life. If there are nights where your child just needs you, that’s okay! The snuggles won’t last forever, so don’t feel guilty for being there for your child on especially hard nights. And remember, even as they develop independence, you will still be the one they turn to when they need you. Even when they’re an adult! (Thanks, mom!)
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